Tuesday, June 1, 2010

NOT WORTHY of a MIRACLE




I can still remember like it was yesterday when I received a text message from the agency that was assisting me to work abroad. The message mentioned that I need to go back to their affiliated clinic because my medical examination was still in pending. At that time, it didn't bother me at all. Because the first thing that came to mind was just of my high cholesterol. So the next morning before I go to the said clinic, I called them up and asked what's the pending examination that needs to be done. The nurse who answered the phone told me that they've found something in my blood but it's not yet final so further examination needs to done. I was so naive and confident at the same time that It was just maybe my sugar level or my blood cholesterol getting high. So I profusely asked what was it or can they just tell me over the phone. NO was the answer. I became dubious after he told that it's confidential and that the doctor needs to see me face to face.

(Fast forward) I arrived there at the clinic looking very relaxed (and cute hehehe) but very worried deep inside . And when it was my turn to see the doctor It became so clear to me that it was a very serious matter. The doctor and nurse who took my blood sample locked the door and presented a folded paper. The suspension was building up, but at the back of my mind I was thinking why can you just tell me what it is? That day was toxic for them, that both of them forgot they were attending to someone else first before me. So I was left alone for a while in their small consultation room with the folded paper in front of me. Yes, I cannot wait anymore so I read what was in the paper and there, I saw at bottom part, 2 check marks painted out white by a marker. one box was for me being HIV negative and the other was FIT to work.

I knew right then what the doctor was going to say. But Despite me seeing that, I was still praying hard that it might turn out to be something else."Lord please 'wag naman po ito", was my prayer. While making a deal with HIM the doctor and the nurse presented the rapid test kit showing two red lines, indicating that I might be infected by the Human immunodeficiency virus. They gave me the basics 101 about HIV after that and injected me a little hope that in some cases after the confirmatory test some turned out to be just a false -positive result.

As you can imagine those 2 weeks of agony. Waiting for the confirmation result was beyond any emotions I have ever experienced in my life. The feeling of anger, distress, shame, fear, loneliness and more fear was very hard to bare. I remember every night, I would fall asleep crying. I prayed so hard like there was no more tomorrow. I even went to Baclaran church and had the sacrament of confession there. I prayed to HIM: "Lord you said for those who believe nothing is impossible, I know I have sinned against you but please give one more chance naman po. I know you're all-powerfull and that in a blink of an eye you can make it a false-positive. Please Lord give me one more chance... I'm begging you. I don't think I can carry this cross any longer"

And so the day came when the confirmatory result would tell it all. While on my way to the clinic I think prayed the holy rosary thrice. Asking Mama Mary to pray for me was my last resort to let HIM do miracle for me. "POSITIVE indeed" said the doctor. I cried deep inside but I have to compose myself and asked further questions about the next steps that I need to partake. I don't want them to pity me. But as much as I would like to stay calm about the news, my hands were uncontrollably shaking. Then the doctor told me in a very soft voice me before I left the room. " Tuloy lang ang buhay ha!"

That night, I cried like a baby and prayed: "Lord, ang damot mo naman. Akala ko ba may usapan na tayo. Akala ko ba sabi mo maniwala lang ako sayo magyayari na yung mga dinadasal ko. Ang damot damot mo naman, Was I not worthy of your miracle?"...

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