It's been quite sometime now that I haven't posted any blog. The few weeks for me had been a marathon of completing paper works. Yes, I'm outside the country now, working. I thought I will be confine for the rest of my life in our beloved mother country. But no, God is good and I stand corrected. I am worthy of a miracle after all. We all are. To him I am the same like anybody. A part of his enormous love to mankind.
I will continue this blog soon... I just need to go back to work for now. I love you LORD!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
NOT WORTHY of a MIRACLE
I can still remember like it was yesterday when I received a text message from the agency that was assisting me to work abroad. The message mentioned that I need to go back to their affiliated clinic because my medical examination was still in pending. At that time, it didn't bother me at all. Because the first thing that came to mind was just of my high cholesterol. So the next morning before I go to the said clinic, I called them up and asked what's the pending examination that needs to be done. The nurse who answered the phone told me that they've found something in my blood but it's not yet final so further examination needs to done. I was so naive and confident at the same time that It was just maybe my sugar level or my blood cholesterol getting high. So I profusely asked what was it or can they just tell me over the phone. NO was the answer. I became dubious after he told that it's confidential and that the doctor needs to see me face to face.
(Fast forward) I arrived there at the clinic looking very relaxed (and cute hehehe) but very worried deep inside . And when it was my turn to see the doctor It became so clear to me that it was a very serious matter. The doctor and nurse who took my blood sample locked the door and presented a folded paper. The suspension was building up, but at the back of my mind I was thinking why can you just tell me what it is? That day was toxic for them, that both of them forgot they were attending to someone else first before me. So I was left alone for a while in their small consultation room with the folded paper in front of me. Yes, I cannot wait anymore so I read what was in the paper and there, I saw at bottom part, 2 check marks painted out white by a marker. one box was for me being HIV negative and the other was FIT to work.
I knew right then what the doctor was going to say. But Despite me seeing that, I was still praying hard that it might turn out to be something else."Lord please 'wag naman po ito", was my prayer. While making a deal with HIM the doctor and the nurse presented the rapid test kit showing two red lines, indicating that I might be infected by the Human immunodeficiency virus. They gave me the basics 101 about HIV after that and injected me a little hope that in some cases after the confirmatory test some turned out to be just a false -positive result.
As you can imagine those 2 weeks of agony. Waiting for the confirmation result was beyond any emotions I have ever experienced in my life. The feeling of anger, distress, shame, fear, loneliness and more fear was very hard to bare. I remember every night, I would fall asleep crying. I prayed so hard like there was no more tomorrow. I even went to Baclaran church and had the sacrament of confession there. I prayed to HIM: "Lord you said for those who believe nothing is impossible, I know I have sinned against you but please give one more chance naman po. I know you're all-powerfull and that in a blink of an eye you can make it a false-positive. Please Lord give me one more chance... I'm begging you. I don't think I can carry this cross any longer"
And so the day came when the confirmatory result would tell it all. While on my way to the clinic I think prayed the holy rosary thrice. Asking Mama Mary to pray for me was my last resort to let HIM do miracle for me. "POSITIVE indeed" said the doctor. I cried deep inside but I have to compose myself and asked further questions about the next steps that I need to partake. I don't want them to pity me. But as much as I would like to stay calm about the news, my hands were uncontrollably shaking. Then the doctor told me in a very soft voice me before I left the room. " Tuloy lang ang buhay ha!"
That night, I cried like a baby and prayed: "Lord, ang damot mo naman. Akala ko ba may usapan na tayo. Akala ko ba sabi mo maniwala lang ako sayo magyayari na yung mga dinadasal ko. Ang damot damot mo naman, Was I not worthy of your miracle?"...
(Fast forward) I arrived there at the clinic looking very relaxed (and cute hehehe) but very worried deep inside . And when it was my turn to see the doctor It became so clear to me that it was a very serious matter. The doctor and nurse who took my blood sample locked the door and presented a folded paper. The suspension was building up, but at the back of my mind I was thinking why can you just tell me what it is? That day was toxic for them, that both of them forgot they were attending to someone else first before me. So I was left alone for a while in their small consultation room with the folded paper in front of me. Yes, I cannot wait anymore so I read what was in the paper and there, I saw at bottom part, 2 check marks painted out white by a marker. one box was for me being HIV negative and the other was FIT to work.
I knew right then what the doctor was going to say. But Despite me seeing that, I was still praying hard that it might turn out to be something else."Lord please 'wag naman po ito", was my prayer. While making a deal with HIM the doctor and the nurse presented the rapid test kit showing two red lines, indicating that I might be infected by the Human immunodeficiency virus. They gave me the basics 101 about HIV after that and injected me a little hope that in some cases after the confirmatory test some turned out to be just a false -positive result.
As you can imagine those 2 weeks of agony. Waiting for the confirmation result was beyond any emotions I have ever experienced in my life. The feeling of anger, distress, shame, fear, loneliness and more fear was very hard to bare. I remember every night, I would fall asleep crying. I prayed so hard like there was no more tomorrow. I even went to Baclaran church and had the sacrament of confession there. I prayed to HIM: "Lord you said for those who believe nothing is impossible, I know I have sinned against you but please give one more chance naman po. I know you're all-powerfull and that in a blink of an eye you can make it a false-positive. Please Lord give me one more chance... I'm begging you. I don't think I can carry this cross any longer"
And so the day came when the confirmatory result would tell it all. While on my way to the clinic I think prayed the holy rosary thrice. Asking Mama Mary to pray for me was my last resort to let HIM do miracle for me. "POSITIVE indeed" said the doctor. I cried deep inside but I have to compose myself and asked further questions about the next steps that I need to partake. I don't want them to pity me. But as much as I would like to stay calm about the news, my hands were uncontrollably shaking. Then the doctor told me in a very soft voice me before I left the room. " Tuloy lang ang buhay ha!"
That night, I cried like a baby and prayed: "Lord, ang damot mo naman. Akala ko ba may usapan na tayo. Akala ko ba sabi mo maniwala lang ako sayo magyayari na yung mga dinadasal ko. Ang damot damot mo naman, Was I not worthy of your miracle?"...
Thursday, May 27, 2010
JOB INTERVIEWS
These past few weeks has been so tiring for me, emotionally and physically. Not because of this new residents in my body, but because I cannot find a damn good job offer!!! Yes there have been 3 job offers already but I declined them all because I need to consider my health now. No more evening shifts for me and no more long hours of commute were the cards I was playing. I have to admit that it has been draining my reservoir of hope and good outlook in life. I badly need a pouring rain of strength from above.
Let me rewind for you where I worked before. I was a front desk attendant and at the same time a concierge in a international luxury cruise line. Yes, I was earning green money. Even though it's everyday hard work and an all-the time task of making all of your guests happy, it's been fun fun fun. I have to opportunity the see the nicest key cities in the US, Canada, Mexico, Europe and Africa. So in short, I was able to work and at the same time travelled the world.
Then came last April, I've found out that I can longer work abroad or aboard any cruise ship. (I guess you know the reason why. Yah, because I'm having too much fun already. hehehe) So there I found myself back again to where I started several years ago. Back to the local job hunting scene. Just image the setting of this scene: Hot scourging heat of summer, wasted hours in traffic, long hours of waiting just an initial interview, and then answering the question of the interviewer " So tell me, what are your strengths?"
Before my always answer to this question is me having a positive outlook in life and that no matter what happens, there will always be a solution to any of our problems. Then I would add that I always see to it that I bring positivity to the work place I'm in and rub it amongst my coworkers.
But now, I never realized that the word positivity would shed a new meaning for me.
By the way, I have another scheduled job interview this coming Monday. Hope this would be it! It's a day shift job with good pay and is just in our place. So it's hard not to say yes to this. Well, then again the down part about this job interviews it that for sure I would be forced to tell white lies again. "So why do you decided to apply for this job, considering that you're earning a lot before"? hay...
Let me rewind for you where I worked before. I was a front desk attendant and at the same time a concierge in a international luxury cruise line. Yes, I was earning green money. Even though it's everyday hard work and an all-the time task of making all of your guests happy, it's been fun fun fun. I have to opportunity the see the nicest key cities in the US, Canada, Mexico, Europe and Africa. So in short, I was able to work and at the same time travelled the world.
Then came last April, I've found out that I can longer work abroad or aboard any cruise ship. (I guess you know the reason why. Yah, because I'm having too much fun already. hehehe) So there I found myself back again to where I started several years ago. Back to the local job hunting scene. Just image the setting of this scene: Hot scourging heat of summer, wasted hours in traffic, long hours of waiting just an initial interview, and then answering the question of the interviewer " So tell me, what are your strengths?"
Before my always answer to this question is me having a positive outlook in life and that no matter what happens, there will always be a solution to any of our problems. Then I would add that I always see to it that I bring positivity to the work place I'm in and rub it amongst my coworkers.
But now, I never realized that the word positivity would shed a new meaning for me.
By the way, I have another scheduled job interview this coming Monday. Hope this would be it! It's a day shift job with good pay and is just in our place. So it's hard not to say yes to this. Well, then again the down part about this job interviews it that for sure I would be forced to tell white lies again. "So why do you decided to apply for this job, considering that you're earning a lot before"? hay...
Sunday, May 23, 2010
WHAT IS ACCEPTANCE?
Hi there. Let me start by saying I'm HIV positive. I'm still having trouble accepting it though. (well, it's just a month ago that I've found out about it, so hope you understand.) As me and sister were saying, "this is the kind of stuff that you just watch from a distance but never thought could happen to you or your love ones." Maybe this is also the reason why I'm doing this blog, so I can make the first step towards acceptance of this new life. I need to release in a way all the emotions and thoughts that are running through my mind.
One of these thoughts that keeps on lingering is the word ACCEPTANCE. People always say it, " You cannot go any further if there is no acceptance of who and what you are." But what really is the meaning of word "acceptance"? According to Webster's dictionary it is the act of accepting with approval or a favorable reception. Well, it wasn't really in my case, I cannot say hurray I have HIV thank you doc! Let's try another definition; it is the act of taking something that is offered. Wow! another insult for me hehehe. We'll if only I knew that besides the offers or let me say seductions done towards me that later would cause my world to turn upside down, then I would definitely decline that offer of a short-lived ecstasy.
One definition of this word that I can accept is this; A disposition to tolerate or accept people or situations. Since it's hard for me to face the fact that I'm no longer Superman, but I also need to remind myself that I did make a lot of not so wise decisions that lead me to where I am right now. So I have submitted myself with a good grace and with GOD's help a life of POSITIVITY .
One of these thoughts that keeps on lingering is the word ACCEPTANCE. People always say it, " You cannot go any further if there is no acceptance of who and what you are." But what really is the meaning of word "acceptance"? According to Webster's dictionary it is the act of accepting with approval or a favorable reception. Well, it wasn't really in my case, I cannot say hurray I have HIV thank you doc! Let's try another definition; it is the act of taking something that is offered. Wow! another insult for me hehehe. We'll if only I knew that besides the offers or let me say seductions done towards me that later would cause my world to turn upside down, then I would definitely decline that offer of a short-lived ecstasy.
One definition of this word that I can accept is this; A disposition to tolerate or accept people or situations. Since it's hard for me to face the fact that I'm no longer Superman, but I also need to remind myself that I did make a lot of not so wise decisions that lead me to where I am right now. So I have submitted myself with a good grace and with GOD's help a life of POSITIVITY .
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